This week I’d like to discuss hyper-sexuality.
For weeks I’ve been getting signs to touch on this sensitive topic & I ask that my readers/ listeners be mature enough to perceive this message well.
To be hyper-sexual is to have an obsession with sex or sexual thoughts/ urges/ or behaviors that cause distress or negatively impact your health, relationships, or job.
Before diving deeper, I just want to say this is not to shame those who engage in casual relationships – to each their own.
What I want to convey with today’s discussion is how being hyper-sexual is rooted in trauma & to shed light on how it can impact someone’s well being & spirit.
We come from a society that makes millions of dollars off vanity & image, & with image comes the highly developed sense of sexuality.
Both women & men of all kind are sexualized to create sex appeal for the masses whether it’s to sell a product or for further advances.
Now obviously sex isn’t some new concept, nor is sexuality & I think it’s important to hone in to learn what your body likes & dislikes, as well as creating sexual boundaries for yourself & your partner(s).
However, society’s fixation with imagery created another booming business, this time one that generates billions in annual revenue – the pornography industry, & just to put things in a wider scope, globally the porn industry totals $97 billion in revenue.
Sex work is also not a new concept but the affects of it can be very taxing to one’s soul.
Between porn sites, live videos, strip clubs, & sex shops that sell porn, sex toys, & offer advances, there’s nothing off limits.
Bridge that with the accessibility that social media provides & you’re in a sexual Metaverse with the click of a button.
Now when it comes to identifying & diagnosing hyper-sexuality things can be tricky as this topic causes a lot of controversy.
Some mental health professionals use behavioral addiction as diagnostic criteria to diagnose hyper-sexuality as it is considered a form of behavioral addiction or an impulse control disorder.
Other experts say the disorder doesn’t exist.
I honestly think drug/ alcohol abuse, traumatic family history, & sexual abuse are all conditioning terms to cause hyper-sexuality especially if a child witnesses these behaviors early on.
I would like to point out how hyper-sexuality is no longer included in the Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition.
The Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, also known as DSM, is a guidebook widely used by mental health professionals mainly in the United States.
Hyper-sexuality was previously listed in its 4th edition as a sexual disorder & then removed in the 5th edition as experts say there isn’t enough evidence to support the diagnosis as a disorder.
The reasoning for this is, they apparently feared that people will be treated unfairly for “normal” aspects of human sexuality but what’s considered normal when sex & temptation is society’s biggest market?
I feel in a time where women & children are consistently being hunted & preyed on, it’s alarming that such a disorder can be erased from history like it doesn’t exist.
Although not written in the DSM-5, some symptoms of hyper-sexuality can include:
⁃ Intense sexual fantasies & behaviors that consistently interfere with other daily activities or obligations
⁃ Sexual behaviors become a response to various mood states such as anxiety, boredom, depression, or stressful life events
⁃ Engaging in sexual behavior while disregarding physical or emotional harm to yourself or others
Hyper-sexuality was formerly linked to depression & anxiety.
People tend to seek temporary relief by engaging in sexual behaviors therefore masking these other issues.
That’s a prime example that many can attest to partaking in at some point in time & those encounters are 99.9% of the time not only fleeting but rooted in trauma & result in trying to fill a void within yourself.
If you take the normalization & obsession of sex, you’ll realize how sick some people really are.
Sexual desires are normal & again this isn’t to shame anyone for being sexually liberated but I’m here to shed a light on how the things we consume trigger sexual responses that aren’t always healthiest.
Boys who watch porn at an early age & excessively masturbate grow up to become overly sexually stimulated men who are obsessed with sex.
Girls who do the same or start using sex toys at an early age become not only overly sexually stimulated but desensitized to what pleasure truly feels like without a battery operated device.
Most sex toys are not safe.
As a matter of fact, the latest & greatest hit “the rose” vibrator is definitely something you may want to reconsider using.
That vibrator alone reads higher metrics than a cellphone which can create infertility issues if used so often.
Something I noticed about society is the lack of mental stimulation & with social media/ internet I think the instant gratification of it all has made people become entitled to instant satisfaction.
For example, I can share positive & uplifting content & get a couple likes or views but the minute I show my face or body, I get likes, comments, & shares.
Why are people hyper-sexual with zero mental stimulation?
Over the last few weeks as I’ve been getting signs to write about this topic, I gathered facts & different perspectives.
While living in an age of liberation it’s hard to differentiate liberation & hyper-sexuality for most.
With what I gathered, people who are hyper-sexual do this to deflect & use it as an excuse to ignore their reality.
Being hyper-sexual usually means you lack emotional intimacy & vulnerability or you’re patching up wounds by seeking validation & giving your body away.
Ways to combat these desires is by being disciplined to yourself & your craft or duties.
It’s important to know that sexual desires aren’t everything & if you need help you should seek professional treatment.
⁃ Rebuilding relationships
⁃ Identifying trauma & wounds
⁃ Managing stress
⁃ Finding constructive activities to engage in
I feel this topic is important to speak on because not only do people struggle with hyper-sexuality but we need to learn to normalize healthy relationships & love despite the circumstances we come from or have seen growing up.
It’s so unattractive when sex is constantly brought up & it’s very easy to tell who can or can’t control their horny.
The highest test a man will face in this life is to overcome his flesh.
The highest test a woman will face in this life is to conquer her emotions.
A man who’s sexual urges are disciplined is a powerful man.
A woman who’s in control of her emotions is a powerful woman.
Mastering these things will transmute a lot of the pain & create space for real love.
When it comes to people who’ve been abused, most times their sexual preferences are rooted in trauma.
Whether they’ve been assaulted or witnessed abuse, their preferences lie in what they know or seen even if it is unhealthy.
Most times people who are used to toxicity & unbalanced relationships tend to grow tired of the healthiness they experience because they feel unworthy of it.
Self-sabotaging tendencies will occur & create a downward spiral.
Now that we’ve discussed what hyper-sexuality is, how to identify it, & suggested treatment plans, I’d like to share a real life story told to me by someone I know.
Disclaimer: A woman I know allowed me to use & share her story for today’s topic after having a conversation about relationships & hyper-sexuality, out of respect for her privacy she will remain anonymous but I’d like to send a huge thank you to her for being brave enough to share her truth & using it to create awareness. The following story is testimony of a woman who transmuted her hyper-sexual tendencies & cultivated a healthy life:
“Like many girls, I had Daddy issues that stemmed so deep! As a child I was angry about my parents divorcing because I felt it was my fault. I stood with my mom but when my dad left, it felt like he took all his love with him. I would see him occasionally if he remembered to come get me & most times I would be left waiting. This caused a lot of disappointment for me as a little girl & I had no idea how much it’ll influence my adulthood but it did, very much so. As I got older, I distanced myself from my father because I couldn’t tolerate the disappointments of constantly being stood up. When I started dating though, disappointing men appeared in my life back to back. Subconsciously I was choosing emotionally unavailable men just like him. When I look at it now, I shake my head in disappointment because I wish I knew better but we can’t shame ourselves for not knowing more. I dated men who were abusive physically, verbally, & even emotionally. I’d been lied to & cheated. I’ve been manipulated by men I thought I could trust to protect me. I know now that I don’t need to seek protection, but back then I searched for it. I looked for love & was met by many apathetic men. At first, they’d start out sweet & interested. Then as I let my guard down, they’d grow cold & distant. It was a cycle that had repeated even with someone new. They say that the people we choose are reflections ourselves in some way & I can now see how my insecurities were mirrored back to me through these men. I’d always try to go above & beyond in my relationships because I thought that was a for sure way to get the love I craved. Only now is it that I realized I was overcompensating, spreading myself thin, & just doing too much for too little. My expectations were at an all time high, feeling like well if I did this, why can’t they do that? But I quickly learned I had it all wrong. In those moments I loved genuinely but I wanted that love reciprocated & so I’d find myself doing things to keep their interest. Back then I equated sex with love. To me, I felt if I’m giving my body up, it meant something significant. Only to find out that I was creating soul ties to people who never deserved me. My hyper-sexuality tendencies lasted a few years right before being diagnosed with an STD, luckily it was a curable one but after that experience I shut all the way down. I couldn’t believe that happened to me, I felt I was always so careful & for someone who I cared for to give me an STD was unfathomable. Obviously the relationship ended & I was left to carry the load by myself. It was a lot to unpack for me, I had never been in this situation, I felt disgusted with myself, I was shaming myself for putting myself in such a situation, it was just downhill from there. I went into depression, I wanted nothing to do with dating, & I decided I needed to focus on myself. My whole lifestyle changed after that moment, at the time I couldn’t understand it but I know that lesson was a wake up call. My outlook changed for the better, I was more aware & in tune but with that I became hyper-vigilant almost to a fault. I wouldn’t allow anyone to get too close after that, I stood strong on my boundaries, & grew cold in the process. I later learned that wasn’t the best way to go about things either, so I decided it was time to seek help. In doing so, I learned even more about myself & how deeply my wounds still effected me even when I thought I was healed. I share this story because I know it’ll help others & to also finally free myself. I never told anyone this story & in some ways that became a trap set by myself. Freeing myself of this traumatic experience is going to open the door for further healing. When the cut is deep you’ll have to heal many times but I’m ripping off the bandaid by sharing. This chapter no longer trickles into the next because I say so.” – Anonymous
Wow, what bravery it took to share that story!
I hope today’s discussion creates a wider scope on how traumatic hyper-sexuality can be detrimental to one’s mental health if not taken seriously.
Know there needs to be duality in every relationship & long term relationships that are healthy don’t have solid foundations built off of sex.